"Long time ago, in Vietnam history, the parents - they choose who their son and daughter marry. The woman, she always go with the husband's family. She does what the husband tells her. He says, 'You cook, you clean, you do laundry,' and she has to cook, clean and do laundry. The man - if his family can afford, he can have many wives. Maybe 10 wives if he can afford. He is lucky man," Chuong, our tour guide explained on the bus ride to Halong Bay last Friday.
He went on to explain that more recently, Vietnamese society has changed to allow people to choose their own spouses. Men and women have what Indians and Nepalis refer to as a "love marriage."
Naturally, this has changed so many things about societies. But as only a clever Keynesian economist might predict, it created a shortage of Vietnamese women.
First you have to understand that every family wants to have a son because in Vietnamese society - like so many traditional Asian cultures - the eldest son is responsible to care for his parents when they become old. In return, he and his family inherit everything the parents have to offer. The first son is held in highest esteem and ranks first among children - even if he's the last one born.
That goes back to what Chuong said. Girls get married and follow their husbands. They join their husbands' families and essentially leave theirs behind.
From an economic perspective, this makes boys more valuable than girls because not only will a son care for you when he gets older, but he'll marry and bring in a woman who will also be obligated to care for you.
In fact, having multiple sons isn't a bad idea either because usually, sons all live with their parents at the family homestead. Having more sons is just more personal and financial security. Who knows, if they all work the farm or the family business together, it could well mean more prosperity for the entire family. Everyone wins.
Except the girls. Traditionally, they didn't choose their husbands and may have had to share one with a bunch of other women - a total recipe of serious backstabbing and treachery. Girls went from their parents to serving someone else's parents. They bore children and did a ton of housework - maybe even planting and harvesting in the fields until their bodies were worn and falling apart.
So, unless you were in a wealthy strata of society, being a Vietnamese girl probably sucked.
Until recently.
Introduce "love marriage" and suddenly men have to woo their women instead of have their parents arrange their marriages. Vietnamese men have had to break out the cologne, hair gel and their best shirts to try to get a wife.
Inherently, this gives women more power.
Then a few of those crazy government officials who actually bought into the equality concepts in communism began to allow divorce filed by either a husband or a wife.
And the scale tipped even more. Now, not only does a woman get to choose who she marries, but she can also tell him to clean his own damn oxen or she'll take him for half the herd, the rice and the house.
However, one additional law turned Vietnam's population lopsided. To keep the standard of living moving in the right direction, Vietnam mandated population control - no more than two kids per family.
Now's the part where Meynard Keynes gives a knowing smile....
If you can only have two children, and only boys take care of you and create prosperity, then you want one, if not two boys. If you only have girls, you might have a problem when you get older in a society that doesn't provide for the welfare of the elderly since it's expected the family will.
That's why people kill - or in the age of sonograms, selectively abort - girl babies. Most people can't afford to have two girls even if they want them.
Naturally, this leads to more boys than girls being born.
Of course, discrimination always has a cost - even if you don't see it right away. The dearth of girl babies has put today's Vietnamese women in the driver's seat. That's because the demand for girlfriends and wives remains steady - and every family wants their sons to marry and carry on the family lineage.
Only now it's a game of musical chairs. There just aren't enough girls for everyone to get married. The supply curve shifted and Vietnam has a shortage, making girls more valuable than ever.
Instead of being matched for marriage and "following the husband," Vietnamese women - especially of good families - have suitors to choose from.
Combine the shortage with a woman's right to file for divorce and you have very empowered wives.
As Chuong put it, "Now, the wife tells husband, 'You cook, you clean, you do laundry,' and he says yes, dear - I will do that.'"
In the span of a generation, Vietnamese women took a giant leap forward.
But things never stay right where they are and systems tend to push toward equilibrium. A large gender imbalance can't last, can it?
It occurred to me that if women have more power, then wouldn't they also be more likely to stay connected with their families? Perhaps instead of "following the husband" and joining another family, it starts to become "first day or Tet at your parents' house and second day with my parents."
If that happens, then it might shift to where women insist on helping their own parents - financially and in personal efforts. After all, it's not like they have six siblings who can pick up the slack if they don't do it. They most likely have one brother.
Eventually, the whole model may shift and boys might not have the same distinct advantage. It might turn out that both kids of either gender support their parents - and the gender imbalance, along with selective abortions and infanticide, comes to an end.
At least this is my optimistic rationalist theory. I could be wrong.
Either way, Vietnam has changed in much the same way we've seen in a number of countries - although with perhaps a slightly different infanticide-laced twist.
In Nepal, India and Bali, people told us about how "love marriages" had changed their society. People look for happiness for themselves and grapple with the new existential quandaries choosing a mate brings.
A Balinese man told us how the advent of "love marriages" dramatically decreased the divorce rate. In part, that's because divorce isn't that hard to get in Bali - women have apparently always had the power to get out of a bad situation, especially when they were forced into it. Balinese also seem to recognize that people brought together may not do so well.
More interestingly, the man felt that people who choose their spouses have something to prove. If they make a choice - they are more invested and want to show their families and villages that they can do better for themselves than someone else would do choosing a spouse for them.
There's another way to look at it too - personal commitment and integrity. "I chose it, now I have to make this work."
If you don't, you might end up feeling like our 25 year-old Chuong who has the guts to speak for every fearful, neurotic single-person in the world.
"I'm a lonely man. I want girl, but maybe I can't get one because so many men want her. I am lucky because I am the most handsome man in my family, but so unlucky because maybe I'm not the most handsome man looking for a girl in Hanoi."
He went on to explain that more recently, Vietnamese society has changed to allow people to choose their own spouses. Men and women have what Indians and Nepalis refer to as a "love marriage."
Naturally, this has changed so many things about societies. But as only a clever Keynesian economist might predict, it created a shortage of Vietnamese women.
First you have to understand that every family wants to have a son because in Vietnamese society - like so many traditional Asian cultures - the eldest son is responsible to care for his parents when they become old. In return, he and his family inherit everything the parents have to offer. The first son is held in highest esteem and ranks first among children - even if he's the last one born.
That goes back to what Chuong said. Girls get married and follow their husbands. They join their husbands' families and essentially leave theirs behind.
From an economic perspective, this makes boys more valuable than girls because not only will a son care for you when he gets older, but he'll marry and bring in a woman who will also be obligated to care for you.
In fact, having multiple sons isn't a bad idea either because usually, sons all live with their parents at the family homestead. Having more sons is just more personal and financial security. Who knows, if they all work the farm or the family business together, it could well mean more prosperity for the entire family. Everyone wins.
Except the girls. Traditionally, they didn't choose their husbands and may have had to share one with a bunch of other women - a total recipe of serious backstabbing and treachery. Girls went from their parents to serving someone else's parents. They bore children and did a ton of housework - maybe even planting and harvesting in the fields until their bodies were worn and falling apart.
So, unless you were in a wealthy strata of society, being a Vietnamese girl probably sucked.
Until recently.
Introduce "love marriage" and suddenly men have to woo their women instead of have their parents arrange their marriages. Vietnamese men have had to break out the cologne, hair gel and their best shirts to try to get a wife.
Inherently, this gives women more power.
Then a few of those crazy government officials who actually bought into the equality concepts in communism began to allow divorce filed by either a husband or a wife.
And the scale tipped even more. Now, not only does a woman get to choose who she marries, but she can also tell him to clean his own damn oxen or she'll take him for half the herd, the rice and the house.
However, one additional law turned Vietnam's population lopsided. To keep the standard of living moving in the right direction, Vietnam mandated population control - no more than two kids per family.
Now's the part where Meynard Keynes gives a knowing smile....
If you can only have two children, and only boys take care of you and create prosperity, then you want one, if not two boys. If you only have girls, you might have a problem when you get older in a society that doesn't provide for the welfare of the elderly since it's expected the family will.
That's why people kill - or in the age of sonograms, selectively abort - girl babies. Most people can't afford to have two girls even if they want them.
Naturally, this leads to more boys than girls being born.
Of course, discrimination always has a cost - even if you don't see it right away. The dearth of girl babies has put today's Vietnamese women in the driver's seat. That's because the demand for girlfriends and wives remains steady - and every family wants their sons to marry and carry on the family lineage.
Only now it's a game of musical chairs. There just aren't enough girls for everyone to get married. The supply curve shifted and Vietnam has a shortage, making girls more valuable than ever.
Instead of being matched for marriage and "following the husband," Vietnamese women - especially of good families - have suitors to choose from.
Combine the shortage with a woman's right to file for divorce and you have very empowered wives.
As Chuong put it, "Now, the wife tells husband, 'You cook, you clean, you do laundry,' and he says yes, dear - I will do that.'"
In the span of a generation, Vietnamese women took a giant leap forward.
But things never stay right where they are and systems tend to push toward equilibrium. A large gender imbalance can't last, can it?
It occurred to me that if women have more power, then wouldn't they also be more likely to stay connected with their families? Perhaps instead of "following the husband" and joining another family, it starts to become "first day or Tet at your parents' house and second day with my parents."
If that happens, then it might shift to where women insist on helping their own parents - financially and in personal efforts. After all, it's not like they have six siblings who can pick up the slack if they don't do it. They most likely have one brother.
Eventually, the whole model may shift and boys might not have the same distinct advantage. It might turn out that both kids of either gender support their parents - and the gender imbalance, along with selective abortions and infanticide, comes to an end.
At least this is my optimistic rationalist theory. I could be wrong.
Either way, Vietnam has changed in much the same way we've seen in a number of countries - although with perhaps a slightly different infanticide-laced twist.
In Nepal, India and Bali, people told us about how "love marriages" had changed their society. People look for happiness for themselves and grapple with the new existential quandaries choosing a mate brings.
A Balinese man told us how the advent of "love marriages" dramatically decreased the divorce rate. In part, that's because divorce isn't that hard to get in Bali - women have apparently always had the power to get out of a bad situation, especially when they were forced into it. Balinese also seem to recognize that people brought together may not do so well.
More interestingly, the man felt that people who choose their spouses have something to prove. If they make a choice - they are more invested and want to show their families and villages that they can do better for themselves than someone else would do choosing a spouse for them.
There's another way to look at it too - personal commitment and integrity. "I chose it, now I have to make this work."
If you don't, you might end up feeling like our 25 year-old Chuong who has the guts to speak for every fearful, neurotic single-person in the world.
"I'm a lonely man. I want girl, but maybe I can't get one because so many men want her. I am lucky because I am the most handsome man in my family, but so unlucky because maybe I'm not the most handsome man looking for a girl in Hanoi."
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